As a member of a family who loves reality TV—from Pawn Stars, to Billy the Exterminator and the Real Housewives I think I am qualified to offer some opinions on the people appearing in these shows.
1. Hoarders: Dear Hoarder, it is not a collection. You are never going to use it. Most of it is garbage. You don’t even know what you have in the piles, and piles, and piles of stuff you have filled your house with. Allow the kind people at 1-800-Got junk to haul all that mess away for you. You can help them by getting out of their way and not acting like the Brazil nut that you are.
2. Pawn Stars: Dear potential pawn shop customer, do not go to the pawn shop to sell your one of a kind whozeewhatzit. You will not get what you think it is worth, or what the professional appraiser they call in says it is worth. If you want that kind of money there is this website called ebay. Ebay allows you to set the price you want for your item. If you just want to get on TV and/or get some cash to gamble with then don’t gripe afterwards that you didn’t get what you wanted for the item. No one is forcing you to sell it or take the $200 for your special special treasure.
3. Guys in Alaska looking for gold: These guys said on one of the first shows that the reason they are all up there looking for gold is because the economy is so bad. They are going to “start the next gold rush and turn the economy around” Mmm, yeah, I don’t think so. These guys couldn’t find their rear ends with both hands and a map–I’m not holding my breath that they are going to start the next gold rush.
4. People on Billy the Exterminator with roaches: I know you live in Louisiana and that it is humid which makes bugs more likely. Buuuut–maybe if you would throw out the rotting food and clean your house more frequently then we have presidential elections then you wouldn’t have roaches on every imaginable surface in your home. Just sayin’
5. Real Housewives: Danielle Staub and Kellie Bensimon—you are both total whack jobs. It’s not editing, it’s not the other women, it’s you—own it.
6. Crazy Toenail Artist on Oddities—(I haven’t even actually seen this show but my friend KB showed me the clip) Other peoples toenail clippings are NOT art in any way shape or form. What they are is BLECH and it makes me throw up a little that you collected them from other peoples’ nasty feet! Gross! Get a job.
7. My Weird Addiction: these are the people who eat Comet, toilet paper, sleep with their blowdryer, etc. I’m just wondering as I am watching this–what is going through your head? You’re scrubbing your tub one day and decide to lick your hand and think “WOW that is a TASTY treat! I gotta get me some more of that!” One lady is in her late 40’s/early 50’s and she eats nothing but desserts all day, every day. They make her eat a real supper and she is contorting and making faces like my five year old faced with cooked spinach. My word you are an adult–act like it!
8. Survivor–the granddaddy of them all: Contestants–are none of you watching the show before you go to the island/jungle/desert? Seriously, the creepy, manipulative puppet master–vote him off the first chance you get. See, you idiots always make an alliance with him, pass up the chance to vote him off and instead vote off some schmuck that annoys you but poses absolutely no threat to your winning the million dollars, and then you are surprised and cannot understand why the puppet master (a) stabbed you in the back and (b) beat you out of the money. Listen to me now: push your moron tendencies aside and vote him off the first chance you get OR go home. There is no reason to hang out on the island for 30 days if you are just going to lose anyway because you failed to use your common sense.