Truthful Thursday

I spent the entire morning—8:45 to 11:30—outside today.  All my classes were held outside this morning.  The kids definitely have spring fever or some spring related malady. They have so much pent up energy they are freaking out!  They can’t be still, be reasonably quiet, or get along.  So outside we went, and weather permitting we are going outside tomorrow too.  They ran and chased and hula hooped.  They kicked balls into the soccer goal and looked for ladybugs. Every teacher said how much they enjoyed the extra outside time.  And not one kid complained or asked to go inside.  These are signs of a successful activity. 

My bloggy friends Gini (at BFG) and Christie (at Bushel and a Peck) are making some changes to their blogs.  Both are working on sharing more of themselves without fear of ramifications.  That got me thinking about what I share with you and how.  I think generally I share only the happy, funny, successful stuff with you.  And that is not all that happens here.  My house does not always look clean/tidy.  My laundry is not always done–in fact it is not done right now! I am not always cooking or crafting.  The blog just makes it look that way.  🙂

The truth is, like everyone, I have my struggles.  I mentioned yesterday that I have insomnia. As far back as I can remember, I have had trouble sleeping.  I struggle falling asleep and/or staying asleep and/or going back to sleep.  The worst period I had was not long after we moved here.  I could not sleep.  Truly, I would toss and turn until about 2 in the morning.  Then I would get up,shower, dress, prep for work and then lay on top of my bed with a blanket and “nap” until it was time to get up and go to work.  It was awful.  Finally, I talked to a doctor and got some Ambien.  Even now though I have trouble with sleep.  I can’t shut my brain off.  And even if I fall asleep easily, I am a very light sleeper and if I wake up, I can pretty much guarantee I will be awake for an hour or two. 
Another struggle for me is depression.  With the perfect vision of hindsight, I can pinpoint specific times in my life when I was at my lowest lows. One of those was during that insomnia period.  I also had painful, debilitating depression after C was born. I can also see signs and symptoms of depression that went ignored and/or unrecognized for years.  My depression manifests as more anxiety then sadness.  I worry constantly.  About EVERYTHING.  And the anxiety makes me jittery and angry. I have no patience or understanding without my medication.  Before I began taking medication I was angry and anxious ALL THE TIME.  It was until about 5 years ago that a counselor finally said to me that I might need anti-depressants.  Then after taking them for a little while I talked to my doctor about long term use.  She said that it was up to me and that we could certainly begin the process of weaning me off the medication. But, as we talked, I told her that I felt certain that I am a person who needs to be on medication long term–forever even.  I am two different personalities with and without medication.  With medication I have no struggles with anxiety, I have patience, I can work with my students and my own children, and I am not angry all the time.  When I have a migraine, my migraine medication throws off my anti depressant, and I can tell the difference.  I am jittery and short tempered. I am not a good mom or wife, or person! LOL  I don’t want to be around me! 🙂
So why am I telling you all this?  I’m not sure.  Except to say that we see all these wonderful pictures and stories on each others blogs and we feel like we need to make more, cook more, clean more, parent better, etc. etc.  And yet, somewhere inside we all know that nothing is perfect.  We are are dog paddling our way across the lake and doing the best we can to keep our heads above the water.  I hope when you read my blog you feel that you are talking to a friend.  A friend who is just as flawed and crazy as you.  🙂


One thought on “Truthful Thursday

  1. I love your reading your blog because I feel like I am connecting with a real live person. Thank you for that. =0) I find the honesty refreshing…you are an amazing woman!

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